imuran again!

Well im pleased to say my baby girl was born christmas eve happy and healthy. she was a little early considering i started to have probs with either my kidneys or blood pressure, so the docs decided to csection before the baby or me fell under severe stress. So i go see my rheumatologist the other day and were discussing my future as far as meds go. Well i really hate prednisone and so were gonna atrt another round of immunosuppresive drugs -chemo-(imuran) and see how that goes. Im nervous cuz when u start these drugs they really get u feelin' queezy, but i know the short term and long term effects of being on any med for a period of time can do to ya let alone prednisone. So were gonna start the imuran and taper off on the prednisone. Im anxious to see if my bod can function without prednisone since ive been on it for a while. All my levels are normal. Including my sed rate- the cpk can be normal, but the sed rate high. Sed rate measures inflammation as well. Id been having normal cpk but abnormal sed rates. However finally they are all normal. YEah! I feel as if im almost back to me again. Things still plague me but they are miniscule and I hope to continue staying in "remission". Bless you to all who are going through any problems..... I pray for health and happiness for you all as well. I wanna give thanks to God first and foremost. I have felt and seen his work in me. The prayers i received from complete strangers helped and my journey isnt over, i have my kids and my heart is beating another day and for all this im truly thankful.

remember

I decided to go back and read my posts all of them. I needed a swift kick in the ass. A reminder to b grateful of where i am now. Im glad i have this "public diary" cuz sometimes i forget where i am and where I came from. I feel the sun coming through my window and i remember when i wasnt at this place so i guess i need to sit down shut up and b happy. and remember.............

a new place

i hadnt posted in a while. i guess i wanted 2 forget that i had this thing plagueing my life in the back ground. Im way better so therefore i dont want to deal with "things". Now I come across a new barrier than ive never dealt with before. I havent been with my husband for some time now, and im scared. He knew me before i was sick when i was strong young confident and all those things. Im scared people wont understand me, love me, wanna deal with me cuz sometimes i dont wanna deal with me. I want people to accept me for me and not look at me as a girl with a condition,handicap, or whatever. So I dont want to tell them at the beginning but than I feel like a liar. They might think of me as a "normal" girl who can always get up and go. Like I use to be. BEfore I fell sick. So I dont tell them. I dont want to be labeled. Will someone love me despite this DM. Im moody cuz of meds, I cant do things most 28 yr old girls do, i live by blood tests, and meds. I feel soo good cuz I had my children that are healthy, and i tied my tubes cuz i dont wanna risk me dying or kids being born with problems, and I think i have my hands full with 2. they r the reason im doing so good they give me life, but as i type this with my 3 week yr old in my arms. i cringe. did i make a mistake because i cant be the mommy i wanted to be? the one i want 4 them. am i selfish? my 3 yr old boy knows how to take mommys blood pressure and gets me things when i cant. he needs to be a child not worrying about mommy being sick.